Dear friends. Thank you for your concern and comments. This is my current status: I had a spontaneous intracranial bleed followed by emergency surgury. Initially my left arm and leg were paralyzed b ut I regained function after the surgery. I have lost a lot of vision. My left visual fields are missing in both eyes.The part of our brain that adjusts contrast and brightness to make vision comfortable and easy is damaged so everything seems full of glare and shimmering so that looking at anything in anything other than dim light causes strain and is unpleasant. I salso hzve trouble reading. Finally, Because of the vision issues my driving days are over. I gave up my drivers license so I don’t have to pay the expensive insance premiums. FinallyiI feel like I have lost a lot of my IQ points. The stroke has also caused an unpleasant mood disorder: depression and anxiety. My doctors tell me this is not my own emotions bubbling up,but that the stroke is actually causing the emotions.Hopefrfully, they also tell me the brain damage causin tthe things I listed above can heal with time and the symptoms could abate. However, it can take up to six months to a year.
As you can imagine, this as all upended my life as I knew it. I am trying not to despair bu some days that is not easy. so I hang on to hope for the future and the gratitude that I have that I am not paralyed. And I try to notice as much beauty qw possible and spend qw mudh time as possible in nature.
In conclusion, a poem by Billy Collins:
It is possible to be struck by a meteor
or a single-engine plane
while reading in a chair at home.
Safes drop from rooftops
and flatten the odd pedestrian
mostly within the panels of the comics,
but still, we know it is possible,
as well as the flash of summer lightning,
the thermos toppling over,
spilling out onto the grass.
And we know the message
can be delivered from within.
The heart, no valentine,
decides to quit after lunch,
the power shut off like a switch,
or a tiny dark ship is unmoored
into the flow of the body’s rivers,
the brain a monastery,
defenseless on the shore.
This is what I think about
when I shovel compost
into a wheelbarrow,
and when I fill the long flower boxes,
then press into rows
the limp roots of red impatiens–
the instant hand of Death
always ready to burst forth
from the sleeve of his voluminous cloak.
Then the soil is full of marvels,
bits of leaf like flakes off a fresco,
red-brown pine needles, a beetle quick
to burrow back under the loam.
Then the wheelbarrow is a wilder blue,
the clouds a brighter white,
and all I hear is the rasp of the steel edge
against a round stone,
the small plants singing
with lifted faces, and the click
of the sundial
as one hour sweeps into the next.
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Tony, all the best going out to you during this healing time. Aging changes our lives no matter how much we try to offset things. The NPN community has remained a strong connection for many of us over the years and remains a place to share those connections. As always, hoping for the best for you & your family on your recovery overall…take care !
I know from experience that people will say ‘it could have been much worse’ as a way of comforting you. It’s as though it’s all up to your attitude. But it’s also a way of diminishing or dismissing reality. Whether the glass is half full or half empty it’s still at the half way mark. It’s both.
I also have learned recently that nerves do regenerate. They do come back. I had nerve loss on two fingers due to an anesthesia injection 14 years ago that did eventually almost fully recover. Initially I couldn’t play the piano. The fingers would not move. Now they are fully functional. But it took a really long time. Hopefully there will be some recovery. In fact I know there will be. And what doesn’t come back you’ll need to adapt. Meanwhile you must have stacks of old images that you can reconsider and reprocess and improve. Looking at old images brings great joy because you relive the experience you had when you took them. That’s the great gift of photography.
Tony,
I believe I can speak for the NPN crew that you have our support and prayers as you continue to heal.
On a personal note: Us old Sierra bums stick together through thick and thin.
-P
Hi Tony,
Thank you for taking the time to check in with us. Everyone here is sending their prayers and/or woo woo vibes to help you heal.
The Vision issues must be especially frustrating and terrifying as a photographer. But the brain is incredibly resilient. If it is too uncomfortable to look at images or natural scenes, perhaps the doctors can offer some tinted glasses. Tell them you need a 4 and a 6 stop filter
.
Do you like music? Music is very healing for the brain. It fires neurons that need a little inspiration. I don’t know what kind of music you like, but in my grief over a lost spouse, I have found two Pandora stations that are regularly playing in my car and home:
Durand Jones and the Indications (like late 60s early 70s r and b—but new)
Poolside Miami Chill (I call it Boomer and Gen X Muzak)
Meanwhile, find joy where you can, let yourself feel the losses because ignoring them doesn’t help either, and keep us posted as things improve—because they will!
ML
Tony,
I’m so, so very sorry to hear of your setback! I was so hoping you could still make it to Yosemite, even if just being a passenger, and not a driver. But of course, I get it.
Kind of along the same lines as Igor… there’s really no words coming from anyone else that will actually help resolve… You’re in your shoes - so to speak… a silly way of putting it I guess. But if any words, or encouragement can help lift your spirit, then there’s really no reason not to tell you that we’re pulling for you and pray for a return to some kind or normalcy, whatever that may be.
There’s a harsh reality to the poem you shared… Much like the notion, “Hey, you shouldn’t smoke… it will kill you…” and the response, “…yeah, and I could walk out the door and get hit by a bus too…” The simple fact is that we will all leave this earth… What we do between now and then, is all that matters.
Tony, walking is very important for you. The more the better. Walk as much as you can.
Than kyou Preston.It means a lot to me.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must feel to have your vision affected—especially as someone who sees the world the way you do. Photography isn’t just what you do, it’s how you experience things. I wish you continued progress on your recovery. If you get to a point where you want to get out to a photo location(SF, Marin Headlands, or Point Reyes), with or without your camera, let me know, and I will make it happen. In the meantime, as others have said, you’re a big part of the NPN community, and the community is behind you!
